RECAP: Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 5 Episode 5: Napoleon not so dynamite
Jun 30, 2013 | 8146 views | 0 0 comments | 654 654 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Real Housewives of New Jersey - Teresa Giudice
Real Housewives of New Jersey - Teresa Giudice
HOBOKEN AND BEYOND -- Welcome back to another recap of your favorite guilty TV pleasure: "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." Since cast members keep moving to Hoboken (and who can blame them?) we have more and more reason to write about this delightful foray into interpersonal relations and family behavior in New Jersey.

Also, the hit count is high when we write about these numbskulls.

This week, there were some overarching themes threaded through the episode (wow, maybe Bravo hired some out-of-work English majors to help with the show?)

First theme: Control. The men on this show have all of it. Richie Wakile keeps making decisions about his wife's pastry company without asking her. For one thing, he chose the color and design of her cannoli box. You can't get more personal than that.

Richie says that Kathy needs someone like him, with business sense. "I married a housewife, not an entrepreneur," he says. Score one point for women's rights.

In Caroline Manzo's Hoboken apartment, the kids (two of whom live in Hoboken as well) talk about how they grew up with their father, Albert, rarely being around, because he was always working. Young Albie says he likes that arrangement and would be fine with it in his own marriage.

"Why don't you marry mom?" Lauren asks, in the line of the night. She didn't even realize what she was getting at. See, this is where the whole English major thing comes in -- or maybe we should say, Classics major, because we're being reminded of a certain Sophoclean tragedy involving the king of Thebes.

"I would rather be insanely happy with someone I see once a week than seven days of mediocrity," he notes.

Someone tell Albie that theoretically, there could possibly be seven days of being happy with someone...

Chris says the only reason to get married is to have kids, and he's not having kids, especially girls. Albie said he wants lots of kids. Bravo says they want a whole new show out of that.

Later on, the father, Albert Manzo, along with his wife, Queen Jocasta, we mean, Caroline, are cooking in the apartment. Albert can't stand the little gas flame on the stovetop. Er, welcome to Hoboken. Your lucky you have one that works.

Caroline says that Albert would rather try an apartment in Manhattan. Yeah, you'll get the same kind of kitchen with half the space. Good luck with that.

The other family on the show

OK, let's head over to the Giudices and Gorgas.

The story picks up from last week's episode, in which Joe Gorga and Teresa Giudice got into an argument at the gym, complete with water throwing.

Joe Gorga goes home and tells wife Melissa what happened. Melissa admits that Teresa is right that Melissa said something nasty about her on Twitter. Joe is furious at Melissa. "My parents come ot the house and look at you like you're the devil," he says. "Don't stoop to her level."

Really, how old are these people that they poke at each other on Twitter and then get upset about it? These shows are all about adults who act like eighth graders.

Speaking of stooping to a certain level, at their daughter's soccer game, Teresa tells her husband Joe what happened, and Joe says that Joe Gorga has "Napoleon syndrome." Then he gives an excellent, wide ranging historical lecture about who Napoleon was (note: sarcasm at work). Apparently, he was a short guy with an army, and eventually the army turned on him. (See? This is the most erudite episode yet! Oedipus and Napoleon complexes! Greek tragedies! French history!) How tall is Joe Giudice? Isn't this like the pot calling the kettle short?

Teresa says that her brother is clearly repeating whatever Melissa tells him. Joe agrees that Melissa has the power in the family. "She definitely straps one on," he says, shocking both Teresa and various suburban soccer moms in earshot, who are not accustomed to hearing such things from neighbors who are constantly being filmed by Bravo.

Jacqueline and the Manzos are at a party and someone brings up Teresa.

"Buzz kill," says Jacqueline Laurita. "You just killed my boner." Then she simulates it.

Is it just us, or do you miss the kind Jacqueline from the first season? Seems like she felt she had to tough it up to impress Chris's relatives, but there's nothing wrong with being sweet.

So Jackie, watch your language. Save it for the soccer moms!!

Other tidbits

Melissa Gorga talks about the memoir she is working on. Is everyone on this show working on a book? Hey, if you are into books, you should really, really check out this worthy project!! (Lame plug alert.)

Rosie meets up with Joe Gorga to talk about their family problems. She happens to mention that she hasn't had sex in six years. So much for fame changing your romantic prospects. We have a way to help her out: Move to Hoboken. 50,000 people in one square mile. There's gotta be someone to love.

Come back next week for a new recap. For past ones, see links below. To read more news from Hoboken and Hudson County, New Jersey, click

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