My girlfriend's sister is over from Australia. After we picked her up at the airport (by the way, I've come to the conclusion that the "F" in JFK no longer stands for Fitzgerald), we had a little get-together at our apartment and their cousins and aunts were there. After a while we went for dinner at Three A's (500 Grand St., Hoboken). Over a bottle of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay ($24) and artichokes ($6), we discussed topics like how poofy Russell Crowe's hair was at the Oscars, Broadway musicals and Chocolat. When the entrees came out, I looked around and saw salad, salad, salad, and my pork chops with mashed potatoes and corn ($13). That's when it hit me...
I'M IN DANGER OF BECOMING A GIRLYMAN!!!
I'm now outnumbered in my own home - my girlfriend, her sister, hell, even my dog's a girl. All their cousins are girls. So far I've met mostly aunts, only one uncle. It appears that I'm being overrun.
When I first moved to Hoboken three and a half years ago, I was set for the ultimate bachelor's life. Two other guys I worked with were also transferred to the Mile Square, and we were psyched. Our place was going to be the ultimate bachelor's pad, with a bar and a dartboard and a pool table and a foosball table and a blah blah blah blah blah....
The pool table never happened, and the bar with the dartboard was located a block away, so why did we need one? The place eventually deteriorated into your typical guys' apartment, littered with Maxim magazines, pizza boxes, and underwear (occasionally women's). It was a hole, in which we slept and stored our junk, and we were content with that.
Now the roommates are gone, and the girlfriend moved in. I have an actual dining room with curtains, a freshly painted/fully-functioning kitchen, and my bedroom is a shade of purple. That's right, PURPLE!!! Any underwear strewn about is in fact hanging to dry, next to the Maxim you'll find Cosmo, and the pizza boxes have been replaced with tulips or dried roses. But the scariest thing is that I really, really like it!!!
It's bound to get worse before it gets better. There's another girl in the house now and I'll probably end up becoming a big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I'll run out to buy a Dido CD.
When I hit that bottom I might end up wasting my wages one of those retreat weekends where you go howl at the moon, cry and hug other men who have evolved into lesser versions of themselves. Look forward to that article...
Or maybe better yet, I'll go down to that bar a block away and try to maintain some level of machismo. After all, it's Yankee season and the Devils are in the playoffs - which should be enough to make me forget about the fact that my bedroom is purple.
That's right, PURPLE!!!
(Completely Unrelated Subject: If anyone wants to live with a good little Jewish boy, call Mike at (201) 222-0663. He's looking for a roommate to share his kibbutz at Fourth and Washington for around $900/month. To all you yentas out there, he's single...)
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the metro area, please write to:
"Hal Wastes His Wages"
c/o The Hudson Current
1400 Washington Street
Hoboken, New Jersey 07030
Or via e-mail: