I'm certainly not dismissing the idea that my life is in need of change; I just find it disappointing that I couldn't make these changes Dec. 3, Nov. 15, or whatever bloody day I came up with the idea for the change (this from a guy who historically leaves his resolutions for the day after St. Patrick's Day). It's a preposterous idea that someone should make sweeping lifestyle decisions based solely on the fact that there was a late night special on FOX featuring Ryan Seacrest and Ashlee Simpson. Such pandemics of guilt and conscience are particularly harmful to the bar industry (we get the same phenomenon when Lent rolls around, but I'm not about to start in on the Catholic Church), but nevertheless, I needed something for this week's article and this seemed like a nice timely cop-out piece.
"So Hal, what are your New Year's Resolutions for 2005?"
Gee, thanks for asking:
* I resolve to stop wasting my days searching the internet for job openings. In the time I've spent combing various websites for employment opportunities, I could have written the book and two screenplays I've been "working on" for most of 2004.
* I also resolve to stop playing online checkers, since that's not helping either.
* I resolve to quit smoking altogether. Enough of this "I've cut back a lot" B.S. - it's time to holster the lighter for good. My plan consists of a lot of beef jerky for the oral fixation and a yo-yo to keep the hands busy. I'll be sure to keep you posted on my progress (and thanks to the girlfriend's folks for the yo-yo!).
* I resolve to eat less McDonald's. No, I haven't seen Supersize Me, but it doesn't take a documentary to let me know that a steady diet of McDonald's is fundamentally bad for any living creature. Along the same lines, I resolve to avoid having food delivered. If I'm too lazy to go outside and hunt or gather my own food, then I'm certain to be too lazy to work it off with some type of exercise. In some way, shape or form, walking a few blocks to Biggie's Clam Bar (318 Madison St., Hoboken) for chili dogs is healthier than having vegetarian Chinese delivered to your fat, bloated ass lying on the couch.
* I resolve to no longer let the outcome of sporting events affect my interaction with other human beings. I was rather proud of myself this past autumn for not running through the streets with a Louisville Slugger and aiming for anything with a red B on it. Watching the Yankees completely and utterly fail as an organization in the most dramatic fashion imaginable was a watershed moment in my spiritual growth, and I'm certainly a better man for it. Ob-la-di, ob-la-da...
* I resolve to no longer let television schedules dictate my life. Of course the new DVR we're having installed tomorrow should help tremendously with that resolution.
* I resolve to spend less time watching animal shows on the Discovery Channel and more time outside playing with my dog.
* I resolve to concentrate on eliminating my chronic typographical errors. For some reason I always spell the word "with" as "wiht." And while Spellcheck usually catches that one, I still get nailed time-to-time spelling "from" as "form."
* I resolve to expand my column beyond the realm of Hoboken, New Jersey - a somewhat limiting geographic area considering the fact that it's one square mile. Perhaps there's some room for growth there...
* I resolve to actually plan and write substantial articles, instead of spewing out lousy, last-minute filler rubbish like this one.
So a happy, healthy, and harmonious 2005 to all. Best of luck with your New Year's resolutions, and stay tuned for future self-deprecating tales of how I've blown mine. (I'll probably blow that last resolution next week...)
******************************************************* Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for the Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, N.J. where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at email@example.com.