Our cracked crystal ball
Reporter psychic predicts the news in your town for 2010
by Ima Fakir
Reporter Psychic
Jan 03, 2010 | 3834 views | 1 1 comments | 33 33 recommendations | email to a friend | print
RED, WHITE, AND BLEW – In order to increase patriotism across the country, a Weehawken veteran invents a perfume for flags, “Gee, Your Flag Smells Delicious.” Here, Weehawken Mayor Richard Turner finds out that it lives up to its reputation.
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This year, I shook up my crystal ball and then peered in, hoping to see if anyone in Hudson County is going to be shaken up, shaken down, or shaken all around in 2010. All of that happened last year, if you’ve been paying attention.
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In 2010, casinos will open up in the Lincoln Tunnel.
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Here are some of our “slightly cracked” predictions for the coming year.

January

Jersey City government initiates a “Be An Employee for a Day” program for residents to fill in for city workers taking their furlough days, in order to save money.

Tired of spending millions of dollars on Hoboken elections, Councilwoman Beth Mason instead buys an entire town in Texas. She runs for mayor, and loses.

The Hudson River officially becomes Newark Airport’s third runway.

Upon expiration of his house arrest in North Bergen, white supremacist Hal Turner returns to his radio station to see that they converted their format to rhythm and blues.

February

Secaucus joins Dhaka, Bangladesh, in becoming the last two towns on the planet to begin televising town council meetings.

West New York holds a recall election so that residents can vote to replace various politicians managed by confrontational, smarmy political consultants with new politicians managed by confrontational, smarmy political consultants.

The state of New Jersey finds extra cash lying around and is able to eliminate property taxes.

March

After the 129th water main break during construction of the New Jersey Department of Transportation’s widening and repaving project on Tonnelle Avenue, water begins to explode from all of the manhole covers, and North Bergen employees are forced to plug leaks by removing boulders and rocks from the soccer field construction site in James J. Braddock Park.

Jersey City Mayor Jerramiah Healy announces that he will lead off every press conference with a song.

Thousands of revelers descend on Hoboken for the St. Patrick’s Day Parade only to find out that the City Council has created a Bathroom Tax. Forced to relieve themselves in the streets, drinkers flood the 4th Ward with green-colored Miller Lite.

April

To make the hiring process at Hoboken City Hall less nepotistic and more transparent, Mayor Dawn Zimmer creates a Department of Personnel to sift through resumes and hold interviews. She hires as co-directors former Board of Education President Mike Lenz and local businessman Stan Grossbard.

In an effort to raise money for their mounting legal fees, Dennis Elwell, Alan Bartolozzi, Leona Beldini, Peter Cammarano, and other ex-Hudson County officials pull out their boogie shoes and put together the reality show/fundraiser “Dancing with the Defendants.”

May

A political memoir penned by an author identified only as “Public Official No. 1” appears, entitled, Et tu, Mariano? June


The Jersey City Council finally approves the municipal budget for 2009-2010, blaming the long delay on furloughed city workers.

July

After its grand opening is delayed for two years, investors from Iowa buy out Xanadu and rescue the troubled development from oblivion by turning it into the largest pig farm in New Jersey.

To commemorate the one year anniversary of the FBI corruption sting, the Malibu Diner offers a seafood special, “10,000 Clams Under the Table.”

August


The Stevens Institute of Technology prematurely cancels a seminar, “How to Turn your Endowment into a Summer Home,” after misinterpreting a student’s request to audit the course.

For National Night Out, Gov. Chris Christie visits every restaurant in the state that was mentioned in the July 23, 2009 FBI arrest documents, as part of his “Taking a ‘Bite’ Out of Crime” tour.



September


Casinos open in the Lincoln Tunnel, resulting in world’s first destination tunnels.

October


In all towns, the words “city” and “view” became banned in new condo names.

After North Bergen employees are forced to remove rocks and boulders from the future Hudson County football/soccer field, the DEP realizes the site was clean to begin with.

Onlookers gaze in wonder as Hoboken City Hall disappears. Mayor Dawn Zimmer sends out a Twitter update touting her success in creating ultimate governmental transparency.

November


Hoboken announces the opening of Pier C Park for April, 2018.

West New York Mayor “Sal” Vega and Dr. Felix Roque call a truce and become co-mayors. They both assert that each is a little bit more mayor than the other. Still, West New York flourishes.

Months after a rash of Mercedes Benz thefts from a railway lot located in North Bergen, Town Administrator Christopher Pianese announces that the County Planning Board had actually approved their removal to a lot in Union City without notifying the towns.

December


Impreveduto Towers in Secaucus falls victim to an act of vandalism during a blizzard when someone mysteriously rips down the buildings’ name and replaces it with a sign that reads “Lincoln Towers.” Tracks in the snow lead to a residence on Garry Terrace.

In order to turn itself around, the Stevens Institute changes its name to Stevens Hoboken Institute of Technology, but has to change it back due to the stinking initials.

Hudson Reporter journalists decide once again not to give up their day jobs to look for positions writing comedy.

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NotYourSteppingStone
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January 03, 2010
After a short stint cleaning up Secaucus government Mayor Michael Gonnelli announces that he will vacate the office in order to form a new political faction T.B.A. as he decides that it is now time to take back America. Gonnelli for President Signs begin to pop up on lawns throughout Secaucus.

In a surprise move former Secaucus Mayor Elwell throws his support to Gonnelli in a desperate play to get a Presidential pardon. In yet another surprise move Anthony Iacono returns to the political landscape as head of the newly formed Commission on Political Administrators Corruption (CPAC) in New Jersey.

Oddly his first assignment is to investigate himself.